All right douchebags, let’s walk through THE TOWN real quick. The movie starts out with a bunch of dudes wearing skeleton masks with long hair (think Keith Richards) and pulling a heist at a bank. Oh, and it’s set in Boston. So naturally all the actors have “not great but not so bad that you didn’t recognize it” Boston accents. Jeremy Renner’s is especially brutal. We find out a few things in this opening scene. First, these dudes ain’t messin’ around, and are super talented at bank heisting. Second, Ben Affleck is both the brains AND the looks of this crew. We see him helping calm down this bank chick, who we’ll call ‘This Bank Chick’, during the heist, and he’s able to convince This Bank Chick to open the vault. Third, Jeremy is the wildcard. He gives a beat down to an old dude because the old bag might have triggered the silent alarm (should have used his Hawk Eyes to make sure). Fourth, the other two dudes in the crew are just kind of there. One of them can drive I guess, but beyond that they don’t really matter.
In the first heist, the dudes naturally succeed, except This Bank Chick sees Renner’s neck tattoo (a dead-giveaway in a police lineup), so the heisters have to take her with them. Why do criminals get tattoos? It’s just another way to be identified. I mean, I’m not a criminal. But, c’mon dudes. Use your brains sometimes. After the successful heist, Affleck starts dating This Bank Chick, which I felt was a terrible idea, but again, I’m not a criminal, so who am I to criticize? Renner finds out about this, and gets (understandably) pissed off at Affleck. But Affleck, because he’s the cool and smart one, manages to somehow get pissed at Renner for being pissed at him in the first place. Pissedception?
Eventually, the crew does another heist, this time dressed in nun masks, which although awesome, is never explained. This heist is a bit less successful, because the fuzz is hot on the heisters’ tails the whole time. It takes some seriously dudefest driving and a double car swap to evade arrest. Thankfully it all works out so the movie could go on as planned.
Jon Hamm plays an FBI guy working the robbery cases. He discovers very quickly that the four dudes are in fact, the bank robbers. But because lawyers are a thing, he knows that he needs to provide actual evidence of this before arresting them. So that’s what he spends the whole movie looking for.
He eventually discovers that the dudes will be doing the third heist of the movie (they’ve done several hundred heists before the events of the movie) at Fenway Park. The dudes are performing their heist, this time dressed as cops and EMTs, while Hamm, the FBI, and a bunch of Boston cops surround the stadium to head them off. A firefight starts as the cops and robbers play real life cops and robbers, resulting in the two dudes dressed as EMTs (yes, the unimportant ones, how’d you know?) getting killed. In the ensuing commotion, Renner and Affleck, still dressed as cops, are able to blend in with the cops approaching the scene, because no one knew that they were dressed as cops.
Obviously Jon Hamm (who is especially handsome in this film) eventually figures out what’s up. He spots Renner walking towards his getaway car. Hamm calls out to him, and Renner, who had told Affleck before the heist that he would die in the streets before going back to prison, fulfills the “better of two worlds” scenario, and is killed after being surrounded by like a dozen cops. Before going out, Renner takes a sip of a soda can that he found lying in the street, just to show how badass he is.
Affleck, who is still alive, leaves the scene and drives to the florist where the two dudes who hired him work. He kills them and then tries to see his slam piece, This Bank Chick, one more time. He gives her a call from across the street, but sees that she’s hosting a cop party in her apartment. Therefore, he declines an invitation to come over to her place.
He then leaves for Florida, and grows a beard, but is able to tell This Bank Chick that he’ll see her again by planting some messages in her garden. The movie ends with her digging up and reading the notes. Well, technically it ends with the credits, but that’s the last scene.