STOLEN (2012)
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Sir Nicolas Cage
By Henry H. Henry
January 07, 2014

Hey, are we watching TAKEN? Nope, even better. It's STOLEN. You can tell it's not TAKEN once the low budget piece-of-shit theme music starts playing. Starring Sir Nicolas Cage (may or may not be a real knight). Nic Cage, the man himself, is on a hunt to save The Declaration of Independence his daughter. Sounds an awful lot like TAKEN so far, right? Well it's completely different. And by completely, I mean that Cage has to rescue his kidnapped daughter from bad guys or he'll never see her again. But instead of killing every person in France, Nic has to STEAL his way to her. Everything in this movie is ridiculous and over the top, and I do not mean that in a good way. I mean, Nic Cage did a chase scene in a fucking parking garage. He knocked out FBI agents in an FBI BUILDING when he could've walked free. Why are these things happening? Because everything in this movie is stupid.


Nic Cage plays the same guy he does in all his movies these days. He's a master thief/fighter/driver/hacker/criminal mastermind, but definitely not a master father :(. His nemesis is some insane Kurt Cobain lookalike who is missing a leg, and the cop following him around all the time always has these god awful metaphors and zingers. Nobody acts like a real person in this movie, and nobody makes me want to root for them. Everything was so far-fetched that I truly believe the writer and director were a pair of thirteen year old boys and the editor was their overbearing mom. The only thing I cared about in this movie was not wanting to see the inevitable make out scene between Cage and Malin Akerman. We were luckily spared of that; she must've demanded in her contract that she would never be required to touch him.


Ok, verdict. This shit is awful. Before the movie was halfway over, I just stopped caring about anything that it had to offer. If Taken is the filet mignon of dudefest movies, this is the cheesesteak that the street vendor you bought it for three dollars from just peed on. It sucks, and I don't wish the torture of watching it on anyone.

Henry "That's Not My Name" Henry is currently being held in an undisclosed location.

I hate everything this movie is and tries to be. Since it’s clearly a rip-off of TAKEN, I have no choice but to measure it against TAKEN. It does not do well.
There’s fighting in it, and a fat guy dies. That warrants a 4 right? Also, Cage’s character doesn’t die, which is disappointing.
The best part was how the cop got excited when (spoiler alert) Cage “throws the gold into the river” but actually doesn’t.. . . Stolen, the movie that stole 96 minutes from my life.
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