JUMPER (2008)
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Anakin Skywalker
Nick Fury
Merle from The Walking Dead
Jamie Bell
By Henry H. Henry
January 29, 2014

Get your rain boots on everybody, because we're about to wade through some shit. I hope your rain boots double as shit boots. You know a movie has to be bad when you can name two Hayden Christensen movies better than this one. This is JUMPER, a movie that is 88 minutes too long. If you're interested at all in seeing this movie, let me temper your expectations right now. It's bad. Really, really bad. So bad that I've spent time thinking about how any studio exec could let an abomination like this happen. I think it went something like this: "The script isn't very compelling here, do you think it's a good idea to greenlight this?" asks one timid intern. "Of course we'll O.K. it, we have an ace in the hole," grumbles a fat, balding exec while lighting a cigar. "And do you know what that ace in the hole is? Hayden Fucking Christensen. The brightest young star in Hollywood. Now get the fuck out of my office."


I don't want to spend too long talking about the movie itself, because it does so much wrong that I don't even know where to start. I'll give you the recap though. So Anakin is basically this dude who can teleport to anywhere in the world that he can see, even if its in a picture. And how does he use this gift? Does he use it for heroic or noble purposes? NO, of course he doesn't, because he's a huge shithead.


He just breaks into banks by teleporting into the vault at night and steals money. You know, a real humanitarian. For some reason, Samuel L. Jackson is chasing him down, I'm guessing because he knows Anakin is a huge asshole. So the plot isn't starting out too great, but maybe see the folly of his ways and change who he is as a person. Again, nope. As a big "fuck you" to all the viewers, Hayden beats Samuel L. Jackson, gets the stupid-ass girl, and DOESN'T HAVE TO CHANGE AT ALL. He's the same arrogant prick at the end of the movie that he was at the beginning. It is the first and only time I've been angry at a movie when the credits start rolling. And this piece of garbage was released in theatres.

Again, this movie did everything wrong. Pick any aspect that goes into making a movie, and this movie has an example of the worst way to do it. If I saw this in theatres, I would've asked for my money back. So, instead of talking about JUMPER anymore, I'm just going to talk shit about Hayden Christensen. I mean, this guy was one of the biggest reasons why the STAR WARS prequels sucked. Hey, have any of you gone back to watch RETURN OF THE JEDI recently? You know the end where Luke sees the ghosts of Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anakin at the stuffed animal tree house party? Well they replaced the original old guy with Hayden Christensen now. Yeah, he's even trying to go back in time to ruin our childhood now. He just always seems to play arrogant assholes, and he's very convincing in this role. Since he's an awful actor, I just assume that this is how he is in real life. But I don't know, maybe he's a nice guy. Either way, the dude makes some bad movies.

Henry "That's Not My Name" Henry is currently being held in an undisclosed location.

To date, this is my least favorite movie ever. Is that harsh? Probably, I’m sure there are worse movies out there. But just trust me when I say that you don’t want to waste your time with this garbage.
Never seen it. Don’t want to.
My female roommate asked me what movie I was writing a rating for. I told her JUMPER. She said, and I quote, "Oh. I liked that movie." That shows how un-Dudefest this movie is.
I almost thought that maybe this would be cool. But then it wasn’t and I was even more disappointed.
This is the second worst movie named after a Third Eye Blind song.
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