You know what movies have a really good track record? Movies based off the Wizard of Oz. That's why you hear so much about how THE WIZARD OF OZ's biggest accomplishment was paving the way for the far superior WIZARD OF OZ 2: THE SQUEAKQUEL. Well, the assholes that run movie studios finally struck brown gold with OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL, starring a high as fuck James Franco as well as Mila Kunis, who honestly looks like she has no idea what the hell she is supposed to be doing. I think she's supposed to be acting, but it's tough to say for sure. OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL proves that you can wrap a turd in money and try to make it look pretty, but underneath it's still a wet, steaming turd.

Before I tell you more about this movie, I need to explain to you the circumstances that led me to watch this trainwreck. I was sitting in an airport terminal, waiting to catch a plane home. My plane lands and rolls up to the gate, and while I'm getting ready to board, the previous trip's passengers stroll out. The thing that caught me as odd was that one of them came out on a stretcher.

Apparently there was a medical emergency on the plane, and all of the emergency oxygen was used up. Not, mind you, the shit that pops down from the ceiling when the fuselage rips in half, but a little medical tank of emergency oxygen that can be filled at any fire station or hospital. Well, since that was empty, we had to wait for four hours to get on the plane. In my spare time, I went to the bar and had a few drinks. Not enough to get drunk, unlike some unlucky woman who was not allowed on the flight, just one or two drinks to ease the stress.

Finally, the wonderful people at PlaneGreen (don't want to single out any airline, so I randomly made up a name) seated us, and we got a selection of free movies to watch. Now, this airline has individual TVs in the seats, and my choice was between this piece of trash, THE HANGOVER 2 (which was also trash but I had already seen it), and some nameless romcom. I was forced to watch OZ.

I heard some bad things about OZ: THE GREAT AND POWERFUL but I picked it anyway. And damn, it was cringeworthy. It did not make my flight any better. I wanted to turn away. I wanted to change the channel, but I kept fighting through. I earned this free movie, and damnit, I was going to finish it.

I know my experience sounds like it may have negatively biased the movie for me, but trust me, I would've hated it even if I saw it in theatres. Everybody was just so awful in it. There were absolutely no characters that I rooted for or even cared about. It's very clear that the writers phoned it in, just like the actors, and the director only cared about making it as AVATAR-esque as possible. Whereas the original WIZARD OF OZ was a landmark in film innovation, this one was boring and uninspired. I couldn't really see anyone older than seven years old liking this, and I don't know why anyone under seven would want to watch this when they could just stay at home and watch Adventure Time. Don't waste your time watching it. It's not dudefest at all.