LONE SURVIVOR (2014)
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Genres
War
DUDEFEST RATING
9.25
Dudes
Mark Wahlberg
A bunch of white dudes with beards
Even more brown dudes with beards
Josh Hutchinson but like bigger
By Joe Kennedy
February 28, 2014

WARNING: If you're a member of the Taliban, first of all, why the hell are you on Dudefest.com right now, and second of all, the only thing you're going to hate more than the movie LONE SURVIVOR is this review of the movie LONE SURVIVOR.

 

LONE SURVIVOR screams America. I could have watched a two hour long video of Uncle Sam shouting "Manifest Destiny", the Founding Fathers building some railroads, and bald eagles sharing a Big Mac while "America, Fuck Yeah" plays on loop in the background, and LONE SURVIVOR still would have edged that shit out. The only thing LONE SURVIVOR screams louder than "USA! USA! USA!" is "Dudefest".

 

Mark Wahlberg and a bunch of average looking white guys with beards star as a bunch of Navy SEALs who are on a mission to kill an Osama Bin Laden look-alike in the Taliban. This is because the more a dude looks like Osama Bin Laden, the higher up in the Taliban he is.

 

Wahlberg and three others (all bearded) are dropped off on a mountain in the middle of Afghanistan, which we find out apparently has trees, and not just trees mind you, but pine trees. Look at that, you've learned something this week. Have yourself a beer.

 

The four dudes (we'll call them "the Foods") scale the mountain in full gear, to get a solid view of the OBL imposter in his village. After a quick nap, the Foods, hidden in bushes, awaken to three passing goat herders ("the Girders"), one of whom is a child, another of whom is an angsty teen, and the third of whom is presumably their great grandfather. One of the Girders trips over Wahlberg, and the Foods have to come out of hiding with their guns drawn on the Girders. The Foods can't reach their base and commander officer via radio or cell, and realize they have a choice to make. They could kill the unarmed civilian Girders and leave them tied up there to essentially let the environment kill them. Or they could retreat and let them go free. Because they aren't assholes, and the rules of engagement or whatever, the Foods choose option three.

 

Bad choice dudes. Within an hour (we're talking real time, not movie time), the Foods are surrounded by a shit ton of the Taliban ("Shitaliban"). AND. THEN. THE. SHIT. FAN. COLLISION. BEGINS. The rest of the film is essentially one big action sequence, with the four Americans versus somewhere near 10,000 completely inept Shitaliban. Three of the Foods die, leaving Wahlberg as the lone survivor (Ohhhhh, I know where the title comes from), but they manage to kill around 9,970 of the Shitaliban.

 

Wahlberg is able to get away, and is taken in by a badass Afghanistinani and his son, whose village aids Wahlberg in his fight against the Shitaliban. The village also sends a runner - well, walker, because he seems to be the oldest dude in the village - to alert the closest American troops of Wahlberg's whereabouts.

 

The Shitaliban catches wind of where Wahlberg is, and the remaining 30 dudes invade the village to do killing stuff to Wahlberg. After some bloodshed on both sides, the American troops come in to the village at the cinematically perfect time, and they take Wahlberg, after he thanks the badass and his son, via helicopter to a hospital. He dies on the way, but don't worry, the military is awesome at doctoring, so they bring him back to life.

 

At the end of the movie, they show a slideshow of the real dudes in "Operation Red Wings", all of whom died except for Mark Wahlberg's character. It was then that I realized that the movie was not a documentary.

Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.

R A T I N G S
9
A war movie with no on-screen romance, dudes who were excellent at shooting, villains that were terrible at shooting, destruction of terrorists, and only one dude surviving. Not perfectly dudefest, but pretty close.
9.5
There are two kinds of war movies: SAVING PRIVATE RYAN and OTHER. This is the first movie since SAVING PRIVATE RYAN to fall into the SAVING PRIVATE RYAN group.
1 Comments
03-05-2014 | 11:33 PM
I saw this movie in theaters and I was like, "make love not war". They didn't listen to me.
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