In case you saw EQUILIBRIUM and you did "Forget the MATRIX!", I have decided to remind you. THE MATRIX is an amazing fucking movie. It's not very often you get to see a movie change Hollywood, and cinema as a whole. Very few movies do that, ever, by definition. For example, STAR WARS essentially created the summer blockbuster and made science fiction a profitable genre, instead of being relegated to the B-movie shlockfests that is was known for. THE MATRIX was a perfect storm of Asian influence (hong kong action cinema, "wire fu" fight scenes, and anime) and classic literature (notably Plato's Allegory of the Cave, Jean Baudrillard's Simulacra and Simulation, and Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland) that hit the world at just the right time, becoming immensely popular yet spawned zero sequels. The special effects techniques used in the film have become a staple for action and science fiction movies.

I was probably way too young to see this movie when I did (9 years old), but I am so thankful to my parents for showing it to me. I'm not even trying to score points with them by saying that; they don't read any of the shit I write. I honestly loved it, even though I didn't understand about 90% of the shit that was going on in the movie until I was about 15. And I've seen it more than a hundred times, so I went through quite a few viewings loving the film but having no goddamn idea what was happening.

I have decided to explain what confused me, in case you are 9 and just saw the movie for the first time. Also, you definitely shouldn't be on this website if you're 9, we are very inappropriate. And I apologize to all the 9 year olds for that first paragraph, because I know that shit just confused you even more, but I got kind of carried away and I think I may have plagiarised myself from one of the several essays I wrote about THE MATRIX when I was in film school (and I refuse to cite my sources because of YOLO). I've started by linking 3 irrelevant paragraphs together so I don't seem to be getting off to a great start. Oh well. Fuck you, you 9-year-old bastards, here's your stupid review.

The first time I watched THE MATRIX, I thought Keanu Reeves's character's name was Neil instead of Neo. I must have missed it when the computer screen says, "Wake up, Neo." I guess I just thought that Thomas Anderson was a hacker with the world's least creative alias.

And then those weird guys, that I assumed were Neo's best fiends or something, show up to buy weird looking mini CDs. I didn't know what was going on there, maybe Neo makes really killer mix tapes or some shit? Neo's a pasty white guy with headphones- he looks like he could make a pretty good DJ. If they were his friends, why did they wait until the last second to invite him to that weird party noise rock party? And if Neo is such a good DJ, why isn't he playing the party? How did Trinity know that that chick with the white rabbit tattoo was going to be with mini CD guy, or that they were all going to the same weird party? These are the important questions. I'm just going to assume movie science comes into play here because it all worked out. It's all a pretty cool reference to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland that I completely missed at the time.

When they showed those big-ass baby towers in the Real World, I didn't understand what they were trying to convey. I didn't totally realize they were harvesting people, and I barely knew where actual human babies came from, so I just assumed that's what the inside of maternity wards looked like.

Cypher has dinner with Agent Smith and makes a deal with him: Cypher will give Smith Morpheus, and in exchange, Smith will allow Cypher to be plugged back into the Matrix. It's obvious at this point that Cypher is turning on the crew and screwing them all (and all of humanity) over for his own gain. But for some dumbass reason (reason: I am a dumbass) I didn't realize he was a bad guy until he actually started shooting people on the ship. It's not even that complicated of a scene: they eat dinner, Cypher says he likes living in the Matrix and hates the Real World ("Ignorance is bliss"), they make a deal. Very straightforward.

I will say, I did totally understand that freaky belly button big thing. It was just terrifying and gave me nightmares. And every time I watch that scene again I feel like something's crawling into my belly button and I get chills and start to freak out and oh god oh god oh god

Upon further review, I have determined that maybe I misunderstood the movie not because I was 9, but because I was a huge fucking moron. I mean, I still am, but I was then, too. I just don't think I really listened to any of the dialogue at all, becuase they explain most stuff pretty well. I was just distracted by the guns and explosions and cool computer shit and the woman in the red dress.