We've all seen INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. And by "we" I mean everyone who is writing this review. It's one of Tarantino's finest and most dudefest films, and features not one but THREE intense scenes set at a table, which is over twice the Tarantino average. There are essentially two stories in the film but naturally I'll only be talking about one of them. We all know which one that is. We'll call it "The Story That's Actually Revelant To The Title Of The Movie" or "TSTARTTTOTM" for short or "T. Start T. To Trademark" for weird. It's the one where a bunch of dudes kills a bunch of Nazi's and steal their hair with the skin still on it.
The movie opens with the first of the two intense table scenes (one of them takes places in the other story and is thus excluded from TSTARTTTOTM). Nazi Colonel Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz), nicknamed "The Jew Hunter", drives to the dairy farm of French, bearded Tom Selleck in order to inquire about some missing Jews. Landa and French, bearded Tom Selleck talk about life, love, and happiness (I dunno, I'm too lazy to read the subtitles), until Landa asks to switch to English. After a long discussion involving pipe smoking and milk drinking, Landa eventually discerns French bearded Tom Selleck is indeed hiding Jews, and has him point out where they are, which is the basement. Landa brings in his team of dudes with machine guns, and they tear apart the basement, but a teenage girl gets away. This girl's connection to TSTARTTTOTM ends here.
We're then introduced to First Lieutenant Aldo "The Apache" Raine (Brad Pitt). He announces to a team of eight Jewish-American soldiers, including Sergeant Donny "The Bear Jew" Donowitz (Eli Roth) and Private First Class Smithson "The Little Man" Utivich (Ryan Howard), that they will be following him into Germany to kill Nazis, and each of them owes him one hundred Nazi scalps. Awesome.
Cut to a scene where the Basterds are repaying their debt to Raine as he interrogates three survivors of their most recent rampage. One of them refuses to cooperate with Raine, so he says to The Bear Jew, "We got us a German here. Wants to die for his country. Oblige him." Donowitz comes out with a baseball bat, and proceeds to beat the Nazi officer to death with a baseball bat. It's quite satisfying. One might even say sublime. In this scene we're also introduced to Hugo Stiglitz, a German sergeant prisoner who was freed by and joined the Basterds after killing a baker's dozen Nazi officers, by Samuel L. Jackson in the only part of the film he narrates.
After a very long commercial break involving a Nazi war hero and an intense table scene, we find the Basterds in Paris teaming up with British soldier Lieutenant Michael Fassbender (Michael Fassbender) and dressed like Nazi officers to meet a German actress in a bar. She's a spy for the Allies, and is going to help them get into a screening of BIRTH OF A NATION or something like that, so they can take out all the Nazi big wigs that are attending. But she won't let them go until they have a drink at the bar. Well, spoiler alert, bitches be trippin', because intense table scene number two of TSTARTTTOTM occurs with an actual Nazi and ends with everyone except the actress dying. Even though all of their German-speaking member deads, Raine and the remaining Basterds decide to go forward with the movie screening plot. How will they do it? They don't speak German! Well they speak a bit of Italian, and since Germans are idiots, they figure they can pass as Italians. To the movies we go!
At the film screening, shit goes down. You figure, "Oh, well this is a World War II movie, so it's probably going to be like that Tom Cruise Nazi movie where if you lose an eye you gain an English accent, and Hilter doesn't die in the end. Well, Tarantino wanted none of that. Instead, Landa sells out the Nazi big wigs to Aldo "The Apache" and "The Little Man" for a home on Nantucket and the Medal of Honor, the theater is locked and set on fire in an incident unrelated to TSTARTTTOTM, "The Bear Jew" and another bastard mow down Hilter, Goebbels, and the entire crowd with machine guns, and the explosives the Basterds brought go off in the theater, presumably killing everyone in the screening. Oh rejoice! As soon as Raine finishes carving a swastika into Landa's forehead, the credits roll.