THE DEPARTED (2006)
Display the departed
DUDEFEST RATING
9.57
Dudes
Leonardo DiCaprio
Matt Damon
Jack Nicholson
Mark Wahlberg
Martin Sheen
Alec Baldwin
The guy who voices Mr. Beaver in the first NARNIA
The black guy who's in everything
The guy who forcefully sexes Andy Dufresne
Mark Wahlberg's like cousin or something
That guy who's in a bunch of stuff
By Joe Kennedy
April 11, 2014

You've all seen it. You know what happens. It's dudefest as shit. DiCaprio is unhinged. Wahlberg is golden. Nicholson is terrifying. Damon is a little bitch. Alec Baldwin is in it. The chick's a slag. Everybody dies. "What, do you got your period?"

 

Since I'd be wasting my time and your time (but mostly my time because writing takes longer than reading) by going through the plot of the film, I'm instead going to talk about the DiCaprio and Damon characters, Billy Costigan and Colin Sullivan, respectively. They have a lot of shit in common, but they somehow seem to go about said shit in completely different ways. For instance:

 

They both had mob ties growing up...

 

Sullivan starting working for Frank Costello when he was a tween, and Costigan had a bunch of mob cronies in his family. In fact, it's implied that Costigan's family, other than his ballin' ass father, was essentially an outhouse: an assorted collection of pieces of shit.

 

...but no one suspects Sullivan of being part of the mob, because they're too busy suspecting Costigan.

 

Excuse me? Sullivan owes his whole career to the only man who has fucked Boston over harder than Bill Buckner. Seriously, did no one do background checks, or ask if anyone's extra curricular activities in high school involved cleaning the blood off the most terrifying human being in the Greater Boston Area after watching him execute two people? Oh right, he got good grades in school, so we can overlook that. Oh wait, mob ties and good grades? Right, that describes Costigan too. So why is he in the shitter? Because his family had the mob ties. He wasn't ever hanging out with the mob, his family was. But apparently that's all that matters, because in Boston (trust me, I live here/there) the following equation holds true:

Suspicion raised by family mob ties > Suspicion raised by personal mob ties

They're moles in opposite organizations for opposite organizations...

 

Sullivan working as a cop to be a mole in the Boston State Police Force for Costello, while Costigan (yeah, they end up hiring him), works his way into Costello's inner circle for the Boston State Police Force.

 

...but Sullivan lives like a Boston royalty and Costigan is essentially a PTSD victim

 

Note that when I say Boston royalty, I mean that he has an apartment with wooden floors that DO NOT have nails sticking out of them, and a kickass porch! Dude's like upper class. Well, Boston upper class. All he wanted in life was to see the Massachusetts State House. Why? Who knows. Maybe he likes shiny shit. Or gold. Which is a subset of shiny shit. Which is the way Costigan lives, hold the shiny. Costigan's apartment looks worse than any college apartment, he has panic attacks, he can't sleep, and he lives in constant fear of his own life. And did I mention that he had to go to jail? Well he did. And do you know what happens in jail? If so, shoot me an email, because I don't. But you know what I do know?

Life as a mobster undercover as a cop > Life as a cop undercover as a mobster

They're eskimo brothers...

 

Obviously they both bang the only chick in the movie who isn't with the terrifying mob boss. And neither of them know who the other one is (kind of like the whole mole thing eh?).

 

...but Sullivan's dating/engaged to her and Costigan kind of just yells at and bangs her.

 

Costigan clearly has the better end of the stick here. And I'm not just saying that because Sullivan can't get it up. Costigan spends 90% of his time with this chick being a straight up dick hole (a Candiru, if you will), and the other 10% giving her the business, which is code for humpin', but for whatever reason she's in love with him. Meanwhile, Sullivan's always mopey around her, 10% of the time because he can't get it up, and 90% of the time because he's a little bitch. And she hates him. Why does she hate him but love Costigan? I dunno. Maybe she prefers yelling to brooding. Maybe all women do. Another equation for you, gentlemen.

Sex appeal of verbally abusive men > Sex appeal of brooding little bitches

They both die...

 

Everybody dies. Except Wahlberg's character (the legendarily vulgar Staff Sergeant Sean "Of Course His Name Is Sean" Dignam), and the chick. And Alec Baldwin I guess too. And the chick Costello was banging. Ok so not everyone dies. But most of the main characters do.

 

...but Costigan gets the Medal of Merit and a son, while Sullivan gets dick.

 

Clearly Sullivan was winning in life, chicks aside of course, but Costigan takes the cake in death. He dies a father, a hero, and with the love of the Sullivan's fiancée. He receives a police funeral, and Costello never even found out that he was the mole. Sullivan however, died... differently. Without a son or a woman, he gets killed in his own apartment, after his neighbor wouldn't even let him pet her dog. Harsh. And the dude who killed him? Dignam. In sweat pants. At least he still had that apartment. Little bitch.

Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.

R A T I N G S
9.5
Almost as dudefest as possible for a non-rampage movie.
9.5
Leo DiCaprio is my man crush. He really shows off his versatility in this one. Also just a star studded cast really makes this a "must own" film. Gets the "Jimmy Fraturday I Actually Own This One Award"
10
FUCK YEAH this movie kicks so much ass. I must have seen it like four times in theaters, which I was only able to do because I used to have my older brother's old license, and I would use it for shit like seeing R-rated movies before I was 17 instead of buying beer like people with friends.
10
THIS MOVIE
9.5
I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.
9.5
Scorsese is an artist. Give him a fucking tuba, he'll direct it to lose forty pounds and become a trumpet.
9
I love this movie. A lot. But I had to deduct a point for being responsible for so many terrible Boston accent impressions
2 Comments
04-11-2014 | 9:43 AM
What I learned after reading this article is that Pat doesn't have any friends
05-25-2014 | 12:51 PM
You just learned that?
10 MOST DUDEFEST MOVIES
Display iuyufa7
Display the departed
Display empire strikes back alternative poster
Display shawshank redemption 1
Display lone survivor movie6
Display the avengers super secret boy band the avengers 30877475 1900 1200
Display matrix logo
Display guardians poster via marvel
Display captain america the winter soldier trailer 0
Display lehb0vi
10 LEAST DUDEFEST MOVIES
Display 167364 216091 9vi3oojpg 620x
Display display film reel
Display anipadme2
Display uab6lra
Display star wars holiday special
Display dm ac 00047 website version
Display gril9zy
Display v8qq73e
Display cklxkc7
Display dvoemju
RECENT COMMENTS
18 days ago
As the name suggests, vmate App is videos downloader resume. in any case, it features a considerable measure of parts which render it totally...
on Best ROCKY Movies
2 months ago
锘縱mate is significant gigantic software relatively seen in huge numbers of people universal. in this request offers complete film to the user at...
on Review of TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION
2 months ago
锘縱mate is one of the crucial large application very looked at and also by many of us internationally. this excellent app will provide complete...
on Review of THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
2 months ago
As suggested by its name, vmate App is a slidemovie downloader job application. no matter the reason, it features considerable way of measuring...
on America's Sweetheart (Jennifer Lawrence's Booty)
2 months ago
锘縱mate is essentially the most colossal software package passing used courtesy of a myriad of people intercontinental. our instance renders...
on Review of THE INCREDIBLE HULK
3 months ago
锘縱mate is most people large iphone app ultra looked at with untold numbers of folks across the globe. this one app features complete activity for...
on THE REPLACEMENTS (Where Are They Now?)
3 months ago
锘? vmate is usually software package that lets you free download [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] video lessons plus songs this Youtube,...
on Review of X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST
3 months ago
锘? vmate is certainly an software package that allows you to download and read [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] clips then songs inside the...
on Review of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
4 months ago
锘? vmate may well be an practical application that allows you to receive [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] tutorials and moreover songs on...
on Review of RISE OF THE FALL OF THE DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
4 months ago
锘? vmate is surely an app that lets you find [url=http://www.vmate.com/]vmate[/url] music videos and as a consequence songs your Youtube,...
on THE REPLACEMENTS (Where Are They Now?)