ÆON FLUX (2005)
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By Joe Kennedy
January 23, 2014

Do you want to be confused and uninterested for an hour or so? Try ÆON FLUX, the movie! It’s got everything you could want in a movie set in the future: a virus that knocks out 99% of the human population, chick ninjacrobatics, a person with feet for hands, future jellyfish blimps, water with purple messages in it, Kobayashi dressed up as a corn dog (it’s always Halloween in the Relicle), people being reassigned as other people, seven generations of successful human cloning, a guy who REALLY likes plants, utopian architecture, a man making love to a potential woman assassin who he has never met before in his whole life (or has he?), fast acting quick relief band-aids, a super big wall, a bunch of trees that no one gets to see because of said super big wall, grass with knives in it, no interesting characters, balls that roll all over buildings and blow up doors when you whistle, a bunch of Monicans, gingers that only exist in your mind, drama surrounding a pregnancy, coconuts that look like venus fly traps that shoot poison darts, women’s nightwear consisting mostly of beads, questionable scientific accuracy, artificial insemination, etc.


Charlize Theron stars as the titular character, Anal Flux. To prepare for her role, Theron dyed her hair black. Her character, Anal Flex, bangs the emperor of the city-state-country, and then chokes him almost to death, after he calls her “Katherine”, which may or may not be related. Then Anal Fist goes down the stairs and finds his Masturbatorium, and then teleportation fights with some chick who was lingering in that room for whatever reason. Eventually, post-choke out, Anal Fux teams up with the emperor to fight some Robocop things and the guy who wants to continue the cloning and stop all the pregnancy. Last fight scene is promptly ended by a bullet to the head of the bad guy, so all the good guys live. The film ends in the present day.

If the future is anything like it is in this movie, then people are gonna be having all sorts of messed up dreams, and there will be no sources of transportation.

Joe Kennedy is a staunch technophobe and suffers from a debilitating fear of human hands. If for some reason you'd like to get in touch with him, send a letter to 463 Mass Ave Cambridge MA 02139.

Move along now. Nothing to see here.
Literally we were so confused until 60 minutes in, when all of a sudden, in one soliloquy, the entire plot happened. And then there were still another 30 minutes of end-game.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay much attention to this movie. I really just didn’t care about anything in it, so I zoned out. I did get the sense it was pretty bad though, which is why I give it a low rating. Maybe it was better, maybe it was worse, but I couldn’t care less and neither should you.
They should have called this movie FREON FLUX, because of how COOL it is! But no, it actually sucks.
07-11-2014 | 2:43 AM
Greatest. Movie. Review. Ever.
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