STAR WARS: EPISODE III - RETURN OF THE SITH (2005)
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DUDEFEST RATING
4.36
Dudes
Ewan McGregor
Hayden Christensen
Samuel L. Jackson
By Scrooge
May 09, 2014

So you made it through the gut-wrenching disappointment of THE PHANTOM MENACE and survived the still worse clusterfuck that was ATTACK OF THE CLONES—but here you are again, a relapsing nostalgia junkie yearning for the concluding act to the story you’re not even sure you like anymore. This is your wake up call; you’ve been duped yet again. Though you thought you were going to see a STAR WARS movie, you’ve actually been snared in a tractor-beam sent by the Bullshit Mothership, which, upon your arrival, will make a light-speed jump directly into George Lucas’s supermassive black asshole. If it wasn’t already clear, RETURN OF THE SITH is super duper shitty, but there’s still a lot you can learn from its steaming wreckage.

 

The first lesson, which becomes painfully obvious during the big space battle in the first ten minutes of the film, is that CG effects don’t age well. Though the visuals might have been top of the line in 2005, now everything seems plastic and uncanny. When I was looking up reviews after re-watching all the films, I thought I was going completely nuts; for the most part, critics laud EPISODE III as return to form for the franchise, largely due to its supposedly impressive aesthetics. I mean, fuck—in the scene where Darth Sidious parkour-fights Samuel L. Jackson, their CG representations look so cartoonish and low-res they might as well be Nintendo Mii. Then again, considering that this piece of shit also made its big debut in 2005, it probably didn’t take that much to blow everybody’s mind.

 

The second truth that you can pick from this movie’s rubble is unquestionably the most important: never hire Hayden Christensen, ever. Did you think his acting was unbearable in EPISODE II? Well get ready to deal with his stupid face and distracting mullet in nearly every scene! Listen George, I can suspend my disbelief through whatever kind of sci-fi nonsense you throw my way. The X-Wing ships from the original trilogy are somehow more advanced than their ornate six-winged predecessors? Fantastic! Not only is there a Wookiee home world, but Chewbacca also seems to wield significant social authority there? Sounds good! A Jedi’s ability to use the force is governed by the quantity of midi-chlorians found in his blood? That’s fucking fine by me! But don’t you dare put me in a position where I have to pretend that the dude from JUMPER is good at anything. Anakin, there’s a reason nobody wants to make you a Jedi Master: it’s because you look like a wimpier version of the lead singer from Whitesnake*.

 

But Neezer, what about all the important plot resolution? How do Luke and Leia get separated at birth? How does Anakin become Vader? Does somebody kill Jar Jar? Here's the thing: you’d honestly be better off not knowing. Sure, you find out how Padmé dies and why Yoda goes into exile, but in the end, is seeing the mask get drilled on Vader's face better than imagining it? By eliminating the mysteries within STAR WARS, Lucas doesn’t enhance his world—he shrinks it. By the end of the film, I felt so betrayed that it was hard for me to accurately express my exasperation. I just wish someone had called for an Order 66 of this movie.

 

* Neezer freaking loves Whitesnake and sincerely apologizes for making such a disturbing comparison.

"Be free, my brothers and sisters," said Neezer as he destroyed his local library's copy of RETURN OF THE SITH.

R A T I N G S
1.5
I really, truly hate this movie. I would rather see BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA over and over while strapped in an A CLOCKWORK ORANGE chair than watch George Lucas dump all over his magnum opus.
4
Watchable, at best. Which is honestly very high praise for this trilogy. Probably higher than it deserves. But you gotta love the dialogue—"From my point of view the Jedi are evil." Way to spell it out, George. Don't have any faith in your audience or anything.
4
I thought it was better than Episodes 1 and 2... but I also think passing a kidney stone would be better than those. It's still not great.
5
Five because there's lava in it and I like lava.
7.5
Did this movie suck? Yeah a little. Now at least. I was in the 8th grade when this came out. I kinda liked it. Plus I got to awkwardly "make out" with my date during the previews.
4
I'm fairly certain my brother and I tried to learn the entire ending lightsaber battle with our plastic ones in an attempt to shove the rest of the film from our minds.
4.5
This movie would be rated way way lower if it wasn't for the phenominal depth of Hayden Christensen's acting abilities. His ability to go from angry, to angrier, and all the way to really pissed off but a little sad just really adds an emotional element to the film. It was cool when everyone died though, anarchy!
1 Comments
05-09-2014 | 11:36 PM
Saying this was the best prequel is like saying that solid logs are the best type of shit.
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