Let's finish this thing, shall we?
Ok, so REVENGE OF THE JEDI. This is the last of the STAR WARS movies, because George Lucas gave up producing/directing, and Disney definitely didn't purchase Lucasfilm and the rights to future STAR WARS movies. So watch it, asshole. Maybe not as monumental as EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, but you gotta wrap up the story somehow, right?
At the beginning of the movie, we're all like: "Fuck, how will Luke and the crew get out of this one?" Han is encased in the Rosetta Stone, Luke lost a hand, the Deathstar is being rebuilt... damn. I'm not going to give you any spoiler alerts because you should have seen this movie, like, 20+ years ago.
The first segment takes place in Jabba the Hutt's... hut... on Tattooine. The crew hatches a scheme to break Han out of the obsidian chocolate bar he's trapped inside, and succeed. Hopefully you are watching the original release and not the remastered DVD, so you can be spared an ear-destroying serenade by a wobbly sack of alien flesh in Jabba's court. Trust me, it's fucking gross. But, in these first scenes, we see some sweet action, a gigantic sandy butthole with teeth, C-3PO not being in the loop at all, Leia looking HOT in a bikini get-up, and some priceless Han Solo one-liners ("delusions of grandeur!"). The worst part is Luke being all serious and distant (I mean, lighten up, dude, you're all badass now!), even though he's telling Jabba that he's gonna get all Jedi on his fat ass.
Rockin it.
Next, the crew splits back up, Luke to the Dagobah System to say goodbye to Yoda (who dies, because... fuck you), and the rest rendezvous with the Rebels to talk about how to take down Death Star 2.0. That seems like small peanuts, though, because Luke learns that he has to kill Vader (his father) and the Emperor (the most powerful Dark Jedi around) to actually win this thing. By himself. The Rebels devise a plan to take out the energy field protecting Death Star 2.0 powered by a station on the neighboring moon, in order to destroy it. So... they get ready to do that.
Hello, I'm Major Doofus.
While on said moon, the crew romps around the jungle and get captured by some Ewoks, or, alternatively, slightly fuzzier and shorter Zach Galifianakisses. After some persuasion by Dick-3PO, they let the crew go and help the Rebels take over the energy shield station. As you might have guessed, primitive, 3-foot tall, stick-bearing teddy bears were the force that turned the tide against the Empire troops. Which, of course is bogus. Lucas,when presented with similar criticism, responds with "The Ewoks' purpose was to distract the Imperial troops and that the Ewoks did not really win." Well, fuck them, right?
A sample Ewok.
Meanwhile, Luke fights Vader and the Emperor on Death Star 2.0. Vader turns towards the good side for a sec, though, and kills the Emperor upon witnessing the Emperor force-lightning-ing the shit out of Luke. Vader gets hit himself, and dies gross and helmet-less; a wrinkly humpty-dumpty, but true to his son, Luke. Oh, and Luke escapes Death Star 2.0 before it asplodes, and the Rebels are finally rid of the Alliance. WHOOP. At this point, the remastered versions play an uncomfortably over-dubbed celebration song (how could you replace Yub-Nub?!), while everyone gets wasted and hugs it out at the Ewok's place. End of story.
With this third movie of the original trilogy, Lucas had waaaay more money to work with. Or, at least it seems that way. The fight scenes are intense and well-provisioned with explosions, better and more animatronics/special effects are used, and Leia is full-on slam-piece. I don't even need to sell the dudefest qualities to you, because every dude knows it is rul damn good.
