Before you react to this, positive or negative, hear me out.
If you’re reading this first of all congratulations. But on a more serious note, if you are reading this, you my friend are a member of the Internet Porn generation. Generation IP. And so again, congratulations. Right now you can open a new tab and in less time than it takes you to read this sentence you can have porn up. Even if you’re reading this on your phone, you have porn literally at your fingertips. There’s literally nowhere you can’t watch porn these days. And because of this saturation of porn I can guarantee you probably watch a lot of it. You definitely watch it way more than any other generation. And because of that, it is my belief that sex is getting way blown up in your mind.
Lets think about your last random hookup. Maybe you’re some sort of sex god and you found an honest to Dudefest porn star to bring home. But chances are you didn’t; and both of you suck at sex. So you bring her back to her room. You’re both drunk, its dark and her roommate is trying to sleep 10 feet away from you. What follows is probably either one minute of hushed missionary or an extended missionary session where both of you end up hot, sweaty, tired… and disappointed. What happened?
Just the night before you were cruising Pornhub. First off, all the lights were on and you could see EVERYTHING. This chick let that dude put it anywhere, everywhere, and in any order. There were like 10 positions. It was awesome to say the least. And then after 20, 25 or 30 minutes, the chick got on her knees and begged the dude to finish on her face. And he did! And SHE LOVED IT! And that was just your warm up.
Threesomes, foursomes, anal, DP, the list goes on forever. I like to think of myself as a porn connoisseur and I’m sure there are all sorts of crazy shit even I haven’t heard of. But lets really think about it. There’s a reason why you’re watching the porn you watch. In your mind, you want to be that dude. You want to be able to do what you’re seeing in real life. But lets be honest, even if you have a long-term girlfriend who is pretty adventurous, there is all sorts of shit you will never be able to do. Ever. And that’s porn’s sneaky little trick. There is so much you can’t unsee and so much you want to do. But you can’t. You won’t. And so you pump away, either trying to make it last more than a minute, or you slam away just hoping that you can get off before sneaking home and maybe pulling up Pornhub just one more time before bed.
Damn you Internet porn.
Jimmy Fraturday is THE authoritative voice on playing sports with a beer in hand. He is the son of two great Americans, and he enjoys a good gargoyle over a keg stand. He recently stopped drinking Natty Light during the week. All hate mail can be directed to his email.
