July was an eventful month this year. We had Independence Day, Bastille Day, Moon Day, and Cow Appreciation Day this month. As usual though, we can only give out a dudefest dozen worth of awards each month, and July is no exception. Here are the winners.
Bitch Award – Andrew Robert Rectum
Have you ever been seated in your $120 seat in Yankees Stadium, and thought to yourself, "Damn, I'm tired; I could go for a quick nap"? Well Robert Rectum has, and he followed through with those thoughts.
When the heavy-set Rectum was caught on camera snoozing during a Yankees game, reporters Dan Shulman and John Kruk of ESPN ripped him a new one, using an "avalanche of disparaging words" such as "stupor, fatty, unintelligent and stupid" and calling him "a fatty cow" who is "not worthy to be a fan." According to Rectum's lawsuit of course. None of that actually happened, as you can see in the video above, but his lawsuit, described by multiple news outlets as "typo-ridden," isn't too concerned with things like "accuracy" and "facts," and seems to be more concerned with the used car salesman's emotional distress. That's right, he's a used car salesman. Isn't this the perfect news story?
Idiot Award – Lancaster JetHawks
We all know what July 4th brings—fireworks, parties, and unparalleled patriotism. It's one of the things that makes America great. Unfortunately, some people can't handle it and ruin everything for the rest of us. The Lancaster JetHawks, a single-A baseball team, did just that. During their July 4th game, they decided to celebrate America's birthday with fireworks. Well, they set their stadium on fire.
The real kicker, though, is that the exact same thing happened last year. You would think that after one fireworks-related fire, they would be more cautious. Nope. At least they improved, because nobody was hurt this year and there were a dozen injuries caused by last year's fire. Still, the sheer incompetence it takes to have a fireworks mishap two years in a row is dumb enough for them to claim this honor.
Jack Dempsey Memorial Sports Award – U.S. Men's National Team
For those of you who didn't watch the World Cup, which is the equivalent of people who "didn't listen to Creed when they were popular," it was pretty sweet. Despite being in a tough first-round round robin (we refuse to learn what the actual term is) with Germany, Portugal, and one of the African or South American countries, they were able to make it through, with a win, a loss, and a tie. I'm not sure how that adds up, but they made it through anyway, which put them in the part of the World Cup that's more like March Madness. And guess what? They won! They freaking won! That's right, folks. The U.S. won the F.I.F.A. (Football is futbol, alright?) World Cup. At least, according to the Wikipedia article we edited.
World Of Darkness Award – West Africa Ebola Outbreak
Although the West Africa Ebola outbreak started in March of this year, it really hit the news when naturalized American Patrick Sawyer contracted the virus in Liberia and eventually died in Nigeria. For those of you who are unaware of what Ebola is, it's essentially a highly deadly butt infection. Or something. We didn't really read the Wikipedia page very carefully. What we do know is that this is the most widespread infection of a disease with no known vaccine, cure, or specified treatment path. Additionally there have been more fatalities from the disease in the past few months than in the last 15 years. Ebola, as one of the only modern diseases that isn't either largely curable or preventable by wearing a condom, stands out like sore bum. Get it? Because it's a butt infection!
Footjob Award – Ryutaro Nonomura's Press Conference
It's usually good to see corrupt politicians get caught red-handed in the middle of doing shady shit. This might be the one case where instead of good, it's just awkward as hell. Ryutaro Nonomura, who is some sort of Japanese politician, was filmed during a press conference where he broke down in tears and began to wail loudly. It's hilarious, but we bet it was pretty uncomfortable to be in that room. It's probably even more uncomfortable for the people who voted him to whatever position he has. We don't know what that position is because he has no wikipedia page and that's all the research we really want to do. We aren't the Kennedy Research Center, fact checking is optional. Sorry.
Anyway, it seems he allegedly used 30,000 dollars (we think that's American dollars) of public money to visit hot springs, and he couldn't provide any proof that he wasn't doing that. Naturally, he figured the best course of action was to cry like a little girl in front of the press. I'm sure that'll help your budding political career, Ryutaro.
Participation Award – The Land-Beaver
This month's Participation Award goes to none other than the land-beaver. Also known as a woodchuck or groundhog by some remote populations, the land-beaver has an affinity for burrowing underground and hibernating during the winter months. They typically weigh anywhere from four to nine pounds and grow from 16 to 26 inches long. Land-beavers like to eat grass and other plants, and are often the bane of the existence for farmers and gardeners as they like to steal vegetables that they neither planted nor paid for with any sort of legal tender.
Other than Punxsatawney Phil, the most famous of all land-beavers, the species is often overlooked and unappreciated by mankind. They're not cool to look at and they're not endangered, so people don't usually care about them (unless you are one of the aforementioned farmers or gardeners). So, we're just reminding you that land-beavers are real things that contribute to nature. Good job!
Wingman Award – Lebron James
We're all used to Lebron winning awards, but this one is extra special. He is our wingman award winner for his work of wingmanning the city of Cleveland as he announced his re-signing with the Cavaliers. Not only does Bron-Bron return as the hometown hero for Cleveland natives to root for, but he serves as a light for Cleveland to look to in the dark abyss that is their sports history. You see, Cleveland is without question the most depressing city in America in terms of sports. Its teams have gone a combined 156 seasons without winning a championship. The city only has three titles to its name, the most recent one being from back in 1964. It's not like there's a bunch of other shit to do there except watch sports either. Trust me, I've been there. But now, the Cleveland Cavaliers have a legitimate chance to win an NBA title in the very near future. Thanks for wingmanning our sad friends in Cleveland when nobody else wants to, Lebron!
Thing Award – Bigfoot Detective Class
Have you ever wanted to be a detective and discover the secrets behind bigfoot and UFOs? Well do I have a class for you. Don't be discouraged that real scientists don't actually study these things because they're "not real," they don't know anything. They just have doctorates from Harvard and MIT. In July, local Houston man and noted bigfoot hunter Rob Riggs (not to be confused with Rob Riggle. Or be confused. I don't care, I'm not the boss of you) has started a college-style class for future bigfeet hunters so his work doesn't get lost when he dies.
This is an important subject to keep teaching, because it's definitely totally possible that there's a whole species of giant ape-men living near large population centers in the US and nobody's ever definitively seen them before. It's also worth pushing the study of UFOs, a phenomenon where sightings have a strong correlation to increased alcohol consumption. Really, we think that everyone should drop what they're doing and enroll in this class or classes like this, because it's really important.
Internet Award - The Potato Salad Guy
On July 3rd, 2014, Zach Danger Brown decided to make potato salad. He was immediately presented with two problems. One, he did not know how to make potato salad. Two, he did not have the money to undertake such a risky venture, especially considering his lack of knowledge in the area. Unfazed, he took his project to KickStarter, with a lofty $10 fundraising goal. And the rest is history. Brown's home cooking project eventually raised over $55,000, meaning the project clocked in at a cool 554,920% funded, which we assume is some sort of Kickstarter record. Thanks to his generous rewards, Brown will need to say the names of almost 7,000 people while making the potato salad, and will need to give a bite of the potato salad to about half that many. No matter though, as the world's highest paid potato salad chef, Brown easily takes home the Internet Award this month.
Brown Note Award – Microsoft
Microsoft reels in another Brown Award with the announcement and execution of a massive number of layoffs this past month. In one of the largest tech firm layoffs in history, Microsoft plans to layoff 18,000 employees, about 14% of its workforce, and has already let go a large portion of that number. Two thirds of the 18,000 layoffs will be from Microsoft's ill-advised acquisition of walkie-talkie company Nokia.
Microsoft has received unanimous hate for its handling of the layoffs, most of which were announced in a long, generic email filled with corporate buzzwords and little to no actual substance. Nothing says "Thank you for all your years of hard work and dedication, but unfortunately we need to make some cuts for the company to survive" like waiting until the 11th paragraph of a company-wide email to impersonally announce layoffs. At Microsoft's Nokia factory in China, where only 300 of the 4,700 employees will remain after the layoffs, is trying to "ease the pain" by giving departing employees Nokia Windows phones, forgetting of course that the reason that they're laying off those employees is because nobody wants a Nokia Windows phone. Congrats, Microsoft, on another Brown Note Award. You've earned it.
*Andrew Robert Rector's last name was changed to Rectum to protect his identity, and to prevent a lawsuit.
This is Joe Kennedy and Henry H. Henry's last Awards while living together. The world will be a different place next month.