The NFL is basically crack for me. I love to watch it, read about it, anything I can get. When I get crazy hallucinations from withdrawal, I begin to see the teams as something else that is eerily similar. The other night I got drunk on the 8.5 oz cans of Heineken that Smigoversen hates so much, and came up with the following comparisons.
NFC East: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
First, try to remember that they are not the Michael Bay perversion of your favorite adolescent reptiles, as they actually have 'personality' and 'character depth.'
New York Football Giants: Leonardo
The leader of the group (and the only team to win a championship since the '90s), the Giants are usually at or near the top of the standings, and considered the gold standard among the division. On occasion Leonardo will surprise everybody by going on a miraculous playoff run and defeat Shredder in the Super Bowl when all the odds appear to be against him. Eli Manning will improve on his disastrous 2013 season, but the offensive line and running game remain a major issue.
Philadelphia Eagles: Donatello
Chip Kelly's innovative offense is almost exactly like Donatello's crazy inventions, in that it seems gimmicky and wild, yet works astoundingly well. Never one to be in the spotlight for long, Donatello does desire to move into a more featured role as a premier team, and if he continues to innovate, he just might get there. Nick Foles, LeSean McCoy and the rest of their offensive weapons will rack up a ton of points, and if they can get better in the secondary, they have a chance to go deep into the playoffs
Washington Redskins: Raphael
Prone to making snappy, irrational decisions that bite him in the ass, owner Daniel Snyder has certainly left his mark on the Redskins franchise. What other turtle would give Albert Haynesworth, the guy who literally laid down on the field mid-play, a $100 MILLION dollar contract? We're still waiting to see if the 3 first round picks given up for RG3 will work out long term.
Dallas Cowboys: Michelangelo
Loud, obnoxious, irritating, and for some reason everybody's favorite. The Cowboys are only kept around for comedic relief, and they continue to insist that they are America's team, despite winning only one playoff game in the last 16 years. One day if they decide to focus less on selling tickets and more on winning games, maybe they'll finally get April O'Neil into bed. Realistically, though, Jerry Jones is gonna have to either kick the bucket, or resign as GM for that to happen.
Prediction: By week 10, every ESPN analyst begins to give their two cents on why Snyder and Jones are the worst owners in football. Meanwhile, New York nearly makes it into the playoffs but Chip Kelly whips out his craziest invention yet in the last game of the season to secure the division and send the Giants home.
NFC North: Big bad wolf, and 3 little pigs.
You've known the story of the NFC North longer than you may think. One powerhouse torments and devours a group of downtrodden schmucks, before going on a run to the Super Bowl. Or something like that.
Green Bay Packers: The Big Bad Wolf
There should be no doubt that the team with the best QB in the game, Aaron Rodgers, is also the source of pain for all of their rivals and feasts upon their charred, bacon-y flesh before moving onto the next one.
Minnesota Vikings: A Straw House
Banking on Matt Cassel and a geriatric Greg Jennings to carry your offense is a pretty flimsy plan. Almost as flimsy as a house made of straw. I mean, seriously, a straw house couldn't hold up in a light rain, let alone the huffing and puffing of a monstrous wolf. It's almost like they have no plan at all. Yes, Adrian Peterson is still there, but this is 2014 and he's at the age where running backs stop performing. By week 5, they'll be out of contention, and it'll be Teddy Bridgewater time in Minnesota. He and Cordarelle Patterson have potential to be a flashy QB-WR duo, but it'll be 2015 at the soonest before they fully blossom.
Detroit Lions: A Stick House
Detroit has a bit more of a plan for their house. There's a foundation to build around, in QB Matt Stafford and WR Calvin Johnson, but still some major flaws in structural stability. Their strong D-Line featuring Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley is a good foundation, but their suspect secondary allows their roof to get blown off far too often. The Lions will put up more of a fight against the Pack, but ultimately will have their house blown down.
Chicago Bears: A Brick House
Chicago has a bit of a battle plan going on. They have dynamic receivers and a capable QB in Jay Cutler. Their house was build to withstand pressure from large, feral canines, and they have a chance to actually withstand all the huffing and puffing from outside.
Prediction: The Wolf gets two delicious meals of porkchops and thick cut bacon. Then uses a battering ram to get his third course.
NFC South: Pop Stars
Generally when you think of quarterbacks in the NFL, you think of physically fit, intelligent, beautiful men. The teams in the NFC South all draw comparisons to people who are all those things. Except intelligent perhaps.
New Orleans Saints: Taylor Swift
Perpetual media darling and consistent chart topper, Taylor Swift appears to be here to stay, much like Drew Brees and the Saints. Making the playoffs 4 of the last 5 years with a Super Bowl title to boot, the Saints appear to still be feeling 22. Expect big things from them yet again with their youth movement on offense and trend-setting defense. But remember, that Sean Payton and Greg Williams are never ever (ever) getting back together.
Carolina Panthers: Carly Rae Jepsen
She exploded onto the scene two summers ago with "Call Me Maybe" and hasn't been heard from since. Expect the same thing from Carolina this year. Their 12-4 record last season will prove to be a fluke considering Cam Newton is going to have to throw the ball to himself. The Panthers front office will regret not calling Steve Smith. Maybe.
Atlanta Falcons: Miley Cyrus
2013 was a strange year for the former Disney channel star; she had a massive hit in "Wrecking Ball," but also was a major center of controversy by dancing around with a bear (which honestly sounds pretty cool). The Falcons also had an interesting 2013, by suffering a ton of injuries on both sides of the ball and collapsing from a #1 overall seed into a top 5 pick in the draft. I think the Falcons will stay healthy and not prance around in a flesh colored body suit, improving upon their miserable 4-12 record from last year.
Tampa Bay Bucs: Avril Lavigne
In the mid 2000's, both Tampa and Avril Lavigne were major players in their respective fields. Coach Tony Dungy's Tampa 2 defense was setting the league on fire and Lavigne's eye liner and campy songs made her do the same to teenage girls everywhere. Neither have been particularly relevant since. However, that hasn't stopped either from making a splash. Tampa hired Lovie Smith as their head coach and made moves for big time playmakers in the draft and free agency. Meanwhile, Lavigne has tried to turn into a Japanese popstar, producing the most horrifying music video in history, and married some asshole from Nickelback. Their child will inevitably be the worst thing to happen to music since the invention of the kazoo.
Prediction: Taylor Swift slaps the shit out of everyone else's record sales, while New Orleans cruises to the best record in the conference
NFC West: Girls you went to school with
Do you remember the really hot girls you knew as a teen? I do. Some of them weren't fully developed yet, some developed early like a beautiful flower that you just want to fuck the shit out of. Well, the NFC West is all grown up now. And DTF.
San Francisco 49ers: Head Cheerleader
For a long time, the most unattainable, beautiful girl you've seen, and throughout high school, you dreamed about her every night, just like the 49ers. She's got assets all over, the stacked wide receiver group, her supple frame, the stout defense, her long legs. Before this gets any creepier, you realize that she's peaking way too early and a few years down the road she ends up coked out and ends up in rehab multiple times. There's a chance they end up hosting Chelsea Lately and/or deep in the playoffs again, but odds are they're going to look like the kind of girl Colin Kaepernick would date.
Seattle Seahawks: Late Bloomer
She always seemed a little weird in school, and never really appealed to the guys. In fact she probably was friends with the popular girls for a while, and made them feel hotter than they were. But after one summer, she drafted an incredible quarterback in the third round and won the Super Bowl, or rather, exploded into a slammin' hottie. She doesn't have the 'easy' allure around her, though, and like Pete Carroll's squad, she doesn't let her guard down or get 'turnt' and grind on everything in sight.
Arizona Cardinals: The "Introvert"
One time at a dance in middle school, you got a bit tipsy on your mom's five year old box wine and rubbed your front on a girl's back (or front), and that memory sticks with you to this day. Everyone in high school thought she was an oddball, but deep down you knew she was date-worthy. The Cardinals are the same. A history of losing, moving around the country, changing their name, and everyone forgetting that they're one of two original NFL franchises left. But right now, they have a playmaking defense, explosive playmakers, and a decent enough QB to make the playoffs.
St. Louis Rams: Nerdy Girl
No one is calling the Rams a powerhouse -- yet. But what happens when she takes off the glasses and lets her hair down? Everyone had that one girl in high school that seemed kind of strange, but that didn't stop them from crushing on her. Maybe she really liked anime, or was into gothic style a bit too much, but deep down under the glasses and dyed hair, there lurks a bangin' slam piece.
Prediction: In the strangest cat fight in history, the head cheerleader loses out to her less popular, but much nicer, opponents. The late bloomer becomes the new top dog, with the shy one being the new second in command.
NFC Championship Game prediction:
The Big Bad Wolf vs Taylor Swift, in a duel of two great Quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers nearly leads a comeback, but the defense and crowd in New Orleans is too much for the Packers, who head home to eat some more bacon.
LeeDawg would eat so much bacon with Taylor Swift. If only we could get back together...