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Gregory D. Gadsen
Taylor Kitsch
Liam Neeson
By Ram Jam
March 12, 2014

No need for you to bring your nepi-pens here, dudes. But more on that later.


This movie is pretty awful. The storyline is fluffed-up and confusing, the dialogue is infantile, and most of the acting is painful. If you were wondering to yourself: "How the hell do you start with Battleship the board game and end up with BATTLESHIP: THE MOVIE?" You might not even think that, you might be too busy thinking about how Battleship was never a very fun game. If you want to answer your question, you might as well ask five people sitting near you at the bar you're currently in (you ARE in a bar, right?). Whatever they come up with will probably be better than what the studio came up with. Mostly because it couldn't possibly be worse than what hit the theatres.


Let’s follow that idea through, then. Why not? This review was destined for the toilet from the start:

Step 1: Coming up with a main character

Who Should You Ask? The Bros over by the dartboard

Their Idea: A dickhead-stoner-reject Alex Hopper (played by Taylor Kitsch, who fucked up in the movie JOHN CARTER, another box office flop).


In the first scene, Hopper breaks into a convenience store to grab a - What was it, Bros?? - that’s right, a chicken burrito. He was going to give it to some hottie at the bar. He gets tasered while handing it to her. Not dudefest. Hopper's brother forces him to join the navy. An Interjection from the Middled Aged Woman on Her Third Glass of Wine a.k.a. Your Mom "There should be a stupid love story! That hottie is actually the daughter of an Admiral (played by Neeson) and actually wants to marry this douchebag!


Confused yet? We’re off to a good start if you are.


Step 2: Try and make something badass.

Who Should You Ask? The Veteran slugging Guinesses on your right

His Idea: The U.S. Navy is about to compete in a multi-national Sea and Sports Competition. Sounds cool, but also ludicrous


For some reason Hopper is a lieutenant. I can't emphasize how inexplicable that is. The Veteran agrees. But did he get his act together? No, Hopper’s still a major weiner, beating up his least favorite guy in a bathroom, getting demoted a bit before the naval fleet takes off for war games Veteran: Ha, Justice! you know, back in ‘nam... Hopper gets reprimanded by the Admiral, Hottie’s dad (Not a Neeson-Knockout, just a stern talking-to).


After 30 minutes, you’re like: Wait, what does this have to do with Battleship? And I heard there were Aliens in this movie?


Step 3: Try and incorporate Battleship, the Board Game

Who Should You Ask? The group of Nerds playing fooseball at the back of your bar

Their Idea: We’ve been sending signals to an Earth-like planet, they hear us, and send aliens!


Wait, what?


The Nerds say a lot of other things to try and explain this idea, but you have no idea what they are talking about. The aliens come down and are NOT friendly. They generate a forcefield-barrier around Hawaii that traps 3 U.S. Navy vessels and shuts down any communication with the outside (including the rest of the Navy). The Bros and the Veteran conjure up a lot of confusing/pointless destruction, Hopper’s brother dies (Your Mom is crying) and Hopper must lead everyone in the fight against these humanoids from outer space. Then he actually has a good idea, or at least a Japanese guy does: using a grid of tsunami sensors to guess where the alien ships are, Hopper’s ship can send missiles blind hoping to hit an enemy. Sounds like Battleship, no?? Geez we’ve waited almost an hour and a half for this! Your Bartender must have reined everybody in for a second. Hopper’s ship is destroyed, however. So, like a dick, he makes all these old veteran dudes start up a decommissioned battleship to fight the last of the alien vessels. Your smelly Guinness-toting-Veteran balks at this, saying that would never happen, but we must not care. Dumb, dumb, dumb.


Step 4: TRY and tie up loose ends. Jesus.

Who Should You Ask? Too late, everyone is plastered

Their Idea: Drink, and this movie will be over soon.


While all this seafaring is going on, Hottie is going on a nice hike, trying to make friends with an amputee (Gregory D. Gadson, who is an active Army colonel, missing both his legs. dudefest!) (Your Mom’s suggestion). They realize the aliens are there using giant satellite dishes to call more of their cronies to join them on Earth! (your Nerds are plastered) After the re-commissioned battleship finally defeats the last of the alien vessels with some cool moves (your Veteran might have just died or ejaculated), Hottie and the Amputee help to take down this alien communication operation by defeating ONE alien. Nice work. They are aided, understandably, by a missile from the ship that fucked up the alien comm base. And Thus, the world was saved.


Now, the story is over, everyone at your bar has blacked out or passed out, and viewers of this movie are left with questions and poopstains. Horrible.


Alright, so some exceptions to this preposterous review. The movie is fairly dudefest, if you can stomach the sub-par plot, characters, and a lot of other things that usually make any movie enjoyable. There are SOOOOO many ships. Like, my 3-year-old self would be getting a little pink hard-on from all the boom-booms and pwanes in this movie. Appropriately, there are tons of explosions from human and alien weaponry, which is great! There are some pretty ok fight scenes, especially where the Amputee chokes out an alien with his prosthetic leg; very bad ass, though not very convincing. Also, Liam Neeson has ONE good line, where he verbally fucks up the Secretary of Defense over the phone. But those are the end of the redeeming dudefest qualities.


My girlfriend (Ed.: sorry ladies) called this movie POOPLESHIP: IN THE TOILET. I hope they dont make a BATTLESHIT: THE POOQUEL.

Ryan drives a weinermobile to work. He might stop by your place if you ask.

The Dudefest score is a 4, due to fair action scenes and the cool bit where they bring the old veteran sailors back on board to kick ass. The regular score is I want my last two hours back. We don’t get any good shots of Rihanna’s booty!
This isn’t even the best movie based on a board game. This Taylor Kitsch guy had a tough year between this movie and John Carter. Oh, you didn’t know because you didn't see it? Neither did anybody else.
I didn't see this movie in the theaters. I didn't see this movie period, but if I had seen it. I would have cut a hole in the popcorn tub and tried my hardest to get an HJ that way I could whisper "You sunk my battleship" as seductively as possible in hi- I mean - her ear
I can't wait for the sequel, "Mouse Trap"
Saw this puppy at the Drive-in, and I definitely Drove-out after 20 minutes. Also, there's more Rihanna booty on her Instagram, and I don't have to pay $10 to see that.
03-12-2014 | 12:10 PM
Anyone else used to play that battleship game where you used a piece of looseleaf paper and drew your boats and what not? Maybe that would make a good sequel. Also I'm the best at Battleship
03-12-2014 | 12:30 AM
I haven't seen this. And now I don't want to.
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over 1 year ago
How are there no comments on this story? It's great! I registered for the sight just to make this comment. Great story man!
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